An Open Letter to You

Since I suspect you would cut me off your life forever after I said it, I'm just gonna be straightforward and frank. I can bear no longer the thoughts of needing to hide who I am for years.

I have no feelings for girls whatsoever. I'm gay, and I realized that since I was 11. This is why I was struggling with my mental health when I was in high school, for I had to suppress myself and not risk losing my friends over this unpalatable matter. I suffered from depression when I was in MRSM—I still am—but I didn't seek help because I didn't know it then. I suffered for years.

It was only in 2020 that I took an initiative to see a psychiatrist, because my depression had become worse (my anxiety attacks turned to panic attacks and my will to live was at its lowest) and I had no one to vent to, not even my own family.

To have lived my whole life thinking that I was born wrong, to be told that I wanted to be who I am, and that I can change myself, took a toll on my life. I didn't ask for this. For years I tried to live for approbations and with people's expectations. I don't know if it was my upbringing, or the lack thereof, that had dragged me onto the "wrong" fork of the life highway, as you would think it was. But I have spent my whole life trying to find myself the answer to the question of why. Why am I created this way, just to suffer at the conflicts that brewed in my mind? Why make me suffer for being the odd one out? I am not happy, haven't in years. Why? I couldn't find any answers. I don't think there's any answer because this is just me. This is who I am.

This is me, and if you think I went astray and can't be helped, so be it. I don't care anymore. I am fucking tired. Tired of pretending, of pain and conflicts. I am upset. Nobody can help me but myself. This is me.